University Offers Counseling for Those Offended by Santa

The University of Florida made national headlines by offering counseling services to students and staff offended by Halloween costumes. In the wake of all the publicity generated by the offer they have extended the same to anyone offended by Christmas, candy canes, mistletoe and Santa Claus.

“Santa is a racist white man and probably a pedophile,” indicated school counseling advisor Hillary Bacon-Knight. “It would make sense for students to be offended by his creepy jolly demeanor and reputation as an invader of privacy. It would also make sense that our students would be carrying around this anxiety and even fear of Santa Claus since they were wee small children.”

Officials at the school released a statement outlining what they call their “grievances with the silly season”. “Christmas is a ancient, pagan-based cultural celebration hell-bent on riotous partying we simply cannot condone.”

Well, until Spring Break, I guess.

It lists symbols such as Christmas trees, stars and even mistletoe as “dangerous”. Mistletoe promotes promiscuity which could lead to STDs, the statement said.

J. David Flemming, a professional Santa in Florida, was so angered by the statement that he put out one of his own. “Santa lives matter,” Flemming wrote. “I’ve known some of these students since they were kids and I can tell you from personal experience that there isn’t one of them who has ever expressed displeasure with knowing me, visiting me, or sitting on my knee. We cannot have our institutions of higher learning dissing the good name of Santa Claus like this.” Flemming, we would point out, is a University of Florida alum.

But the counseling services office as the University of Florida has not been dissuaded by the public backlash generated by their statements. “We plan to expand our offering to those offended by the ‘Virgin’ Mary – oh, what an offense to women! — and by Frosty, Rudolph, and yes, even vertically challenged slave-like individuals purportedly under the employ of Mr. Claus.”

Stay tuned for more details.

Klement Klark Klaus

K. Klark Klaus is a former professor of theology and, as an academic, abhors the titles of "writer" and "reporter". As a New Yorker he was prominent on his essays on religion for many decades before retiring with his wife to Vermont, where he raises reindeer and writes, er, opines for Christmas Weekly.