Target Does Not Want Your Money for Christmas

Embattled retailer Target endeared itself further with Christmas fans by declaring today they have “listened” to those who are tired of Christmas creep and they will now only feature Thanksgiving stuff between Halloween and Thanksgiving — not Christmas stuff.

Supposedly this means no Christmas trees, no Christmas cards, no Christmas candy, no Christmas sweaters, no Christmas shoes, no Christmas decorations, no Christmas stuff period — until the turkey has been picked clean.

This is Target. home of “we own Black Friday”.

This is Target, home of “bathrooms for everyone”.

This is Target, home of “don’t use your credit card here, we’ll give your data away”.

This is Target, a struggling retailer who is hurting in sales, revenue, profit and…goodwill.

This is Target, who has historically gotten it’s butt handed to them by Walmart and Amazon for the past, oh, two decades.

I can imagine just how it happened.

Somewhere in a conference room in Minnesota executives gathered and said, “We need a hook! We need something to get people excited to spend money! We need something to draw people into Target!”

Trust me, they do this. All the time. Especially in the month of October, which is traditionally one of the most desperate months of the year for retailers like Target.

Somewhere from the back of the room some snot-nosed junior executive said, “If you’re really in tune with my generation [Millennials] you’ll see that we don’t like Christmas creep. We don’t like religion. We like Christmas, but only if it is Candy Canes, Miley Cyrus in faux fur, and only if it is politically correct. Don’t tell us Merry Christmas, not in this year of the Trumpster. No, we’re against all that. Give us pumpkin spice even after Halloween but if you so much as whisper deck the halls, we’ll boycott you!”

From the other end of the long conference table, there sits Mr. Key Executive, Mr. I’m-about-to-have-my-head-crushed-by-the-board-if-there’s-one-more-public-relations-nightmare, scratches his head and thinks, “Maybe the kid is right!”

So with a wave of his head Rudolph wind-ups are removed from the shelves, the tinsel slingers and tree decorators scheduled for the day after Halloween will only find hours slogging clearance Halloween candy, and everyone in the Marketing Department must find a way, by golly, to SELL Thanksgiving.

They’ll push it at every door, every register, in every bag and in every commercial. “We’re Target, and we’re banning Christmas before Thanksgiving because, doggone it, we listen to you and we love you.”

Meanwhile, if you’re a gold star Mom that just wants to send a Christmas care package to your troop overseas, sorry, you’ll have to shop somewhere else for your Christmas stuff because Target says Christmas is bad and that you hate it.

If you’re the parent who struggles to provide a Christmas tree complete with Santa’s blessings, sorry, Christmas has been put on hold at Target. You can’t get it there before Thanksgiving.

If you’re the legging-clad white girl skipping in to Target with your pumpkin latte hoping to find the flashing Christmas earrings, the neato Christmas album just released by Gwen Stefani, or the latest Starbuck’s Christmas Blend — SORRY! — you’ll have to go somewhere else.

Target doesn’t want your money for Christmas. You hear them? THEY DON’T WANT YOUR BUSINESS.

That’s ok. Amazon has free shipping. Even on Christmas stuff sent in October.

The world will go on. Hopefully before long without any more of Target’s moralizing.

HW Longfellow

A moody and tragic figure, Mr. Longfellow joins Christmas Weekly after a distinguished career in which he wrote "If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all". A wry observer of Christmas trends and controversies Longfellow tends to shine a light on the more negative aspects of the modern Christmas. But we know he's a purist at heart and actually waters his fake tree with great hope in his heart.

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