Panic at Starbucks

Panic as Starbucks Closes Stores

Panic broke out on social media channels and in groups dedicated to Christmas online over the pending closure of hundreds of Starbucks locations nationwide.

With almost two months before the first pumpkin spice latte of the season can be poured fans are in a frenzy over the potential of a Starbucks-less Christmas.

“No red cups for $8?” asked one fan over Twitter. “It isn’t Christmas without the cup!”

Starbucks has a strong seasonal following especially among the 20-25 year old female-in-yoga-pants demographic.

While there is mourning online at the possible loss of Starbucks holiday offerings in some locations health officials at the CDC are cheering the news. Fewer locations means less of a chance of the early onset of diabetes. Most Starbucks holiday beverages average a whopping 39 grams of sugar in just 12 ounces.

“No wonder they wear those stretchy yoga pants,” Dr. Wendell Gordon, from the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center said. “We think the fewer locations for the dispensing of these toxins of sugar and caffeine will lead to some stress, but we’re here to help. You can get over this.”

A spokesperson for Starbucks said: “All our drinks can be customized, such as asking for our smallest size; Short, requesting skimmed milk and less or no whipped cream. To help make it easier for customers to make informed choices, nutritional information is also available in-store, on our mobile app and online. It’s best they use the app now, however. I mean, if the store’s not there how are they going to get vital nutritional information?”

Others wonder if this will change other plans for the Starbucks Christmas.

We reached out to to see if there would be a campaign against Starbucks this year in the war on Christmas. Most of their staff was out cleaning up scattered Confederate monuments but one editor from Defend Christmas did say a protest against Starbucks could still happen.

“It depends,” the unnamed source said, “If they put those Santanic symbols on the cups again and claim it was just a printing mistake and that they meant to put Santa on the cups instead, then yeah, we’re talking all out war on the Starbucks Christmas.”

We did reach out to senior management at Starbucks for comment but we were told they are all either in quarantine or localed within CHAZ and paying protection fees to Antifa (which means that $8 latte will now cost you $9.50).

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