Amazon Targets Christmas Trees

Amazon Tree BoxAmazon unveiled more of its aggressive strategy to own Christmas by revealing today its plan to box up and sell live Christmas trees in 2018. Starting at just $115 bucks a live, 7-foot Christmas tree can be stuffed into a box and still be eligible for two-day shipping.

“We think the Christmas experience goes to a whole new level with Amazon all the way around,” said Amazon category manager Wayne Picketts. “Why go to the expense of wasting the day after Thanksgiving by packing up the kids, heading up the hill and risking life and limb to cut down a tree when we can do it for you and have it on your porch the same day? You can forget those hassles, and those expenses and instead stay home all weekend on Thanksgiving browsing the lightning deals on Amazon instead of heading out to the wilds.”

Amazon is flush with excitement over the concept.

“We think we can also keep people from going out to see Christmas lights, too.” Picketts admitted. “Think about it, we can box those things up, power them with Amazon lithium cells and they will stay lit in that box for at least a week, so with free two day shipping you can get a whole light show, in a box and to your porch, no problem.”

“The Christmas Experience” is just one new Amazon speciality category. Experts say Amazon is exploring ways to “own” every season on the calendar.

Amazon says they plan to give the trees a roomy box — but nothing else — on its journey to adorning homes across the world. No water, no light. When you open the box you will be hit right away with the best Christmas aromas of North Carolina, Oregon and New Jersey, locations confirmed to be sources for Amazon’s massive distribution network.

“It isn’t just the tree, it is the smell that has to come out of that box. That fresh sensory rush is critical to a positive Christmas experience,” Picketts told Christmas Weekly. “We are experimenting with ways to do that with a variety of Christmas products. We already have ginger snaps, cinnamon rolls, and ‘holiday spice’ mistletoe that folks can get. We are working on eggnog and even something very exciting we call the ‘smell of fudge’. The category is just huge and we can own it like nobody else.”

Amazon is also celebrating the total decimation, destruction and death of Toys R Us this Christmas, a long time market foe. Nobody really knows where parents will go for toys this Christmas. Picketts is hoping they think of Amazon first. “You know, it was Amazon that put the shelf in Elf on the Shelf,” Picketts said. “That whole thing — geez, the Elf gets all the glory but where would it be without the Shelf? Amazon is the Shelf. Give us some credit. If we can power an elf, think of what we can do for Santa, eh?”

The only hitch in Amazon’s Christmas tree plans appears to be hurricanes of the fall season, which at this time are targeting the Carolinas. The area is critical to Amazon’s plans of Christmas tree domination in the market place. “Our back up is Minnesota,” Picketts said. “They lack that southern lush factor we love so much but they grow them hardy and they will do well in a box, we think.” Amazon says they plan to strip-mine the Christmas trees of Minnesota even if they have work until the third week of November to do so.

 

RH Macy

RH Macy

RH Macy is a former chief executive of a major American retailer. He writes on the business of Christmas with a critical eye and a snarky tone. Half the time you can't take him serious and half the time he reports stunning truth with pinpoint accuracy. He's a master retailer with high standards that knows a thing or two that today's e-commerce titans don't.
RH Macy

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