Air Force Says Santa Doesn’t Exist

The US Military is having a rough year when it comes to Christmas. First they killed off Santa’s reindeer due to climate change and now, it appears, they’ve knocked off Santa, too.

A Tweet this week sent by the Air Force to two of its air bases playfully chided them to stop arguing over who had the most firepower. They warned “if you 2 can’t get along we must…Santa will bring you nothing this year…becuase [sic] he isn’t real!”

The Internet then went into melt down. The Washington Examiner carried the story, then other media outlets chimed in. On Twitter, fans of Santa rose to complain.

Finally the USAF posted a retraction: “Ok, maybe we took that one too far,” it wrote. “Santa is real…”

Why all the Santa misplays by the military this year?

Folks everywhere want to know.

NORAD is famous and beloved for their Santa tracking.

But Santa purists are having their fill with what is quickly turning into a public relations nightmare.

“Let’s be honest, Santa generates a lot of good will and even money for the military,” said Edwin Reeder, a Santa tracker who runs a busy social media channel for like-minded Santa fans. “It was Santa who taught them how to do toys for tots and some even say Santa is the best recruiter the military has because he sows the seeds of military careers in the minds of the kids when they are young. These guys need to be more careful. If they can’t think before drop the name of Santa how can we trust them with their finger on the button, for cryin’ out loud?”

Santa himself was unavailable for comment for this story. We assume he still keeps a list or two.

L. Frank Bomb

L. Frank Bomb is a former children's writer who specialized in fantasy. According to his publisher Frank "just lost it" after a series of successful books and short stories. He took a lengthy sabbatical, writing on obituaries in Hackensack, for several years before attempting a comeback which failed. Mr. Bomb now writes for Christmas Weekly on crime, corruption and the mystery of Santa's naughty list.

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