Santa Claus Surges in Latest Polls

Frustrated American voters are engaging in a write-in campaign hoping to elect Santa Claus as President of the United States. Recent polls in Florida, Ohio and especially in North Dakota show Santa surging with as much as 5% of the vote in some areas.

Santa himself was asked about the possibility of entering the race and he was candidly neutral, as always. “It flatters me greatly,” he said. “But I’m disqualified due to the fact I wasn’t born in the United States. So, I must once again decline by stating if nominated I will not run and if elected I cannot serve.”

While the American election is grabbing world-wide headlines mostly due to its unbelievable sleaze and drama this is not actually the first campaign where Santa’s numbers registered as an impact in a United States federal election. “I got 2% against Mondale and Reagan,” Santa observed, “and we did that without erecting a single lawn sign. And that race between Bush and Kerry was another great one.”

Santa was also asked about his opinion of his possible opponents during this election cycle. Santa refused to offer anything one way or the other.

He only observed that when Donald Trump was a child he asked for “the most unusual toys”.

“At first he said he wanted the American Fantasy Barbie and we had to explain to him that was for girls,” Santa said. “Then little Donald changed his wish and asked for his own major industrial American city. He was a tough kid to keep happy.”

Hillary was equally frustrating for Santa Claus to make happy as a child.

“I could never tell what she wanted for Christmas,” Santa said, “because she could never make up her mind. One day it was an easy bake oven and the next she was asking to take away all the cap guns from the boys on her street. It was all so very odd.”

HW Longfellow

A moody and tragic figure, Mr. Longfellow joins Christmas Weekly after a distinguished career in which he wrote "If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all". A wry observer of Christmas trends and controversies Longfellow tends to shine a light on the more negative aspects of the modern Christmas. But we know he's a purist at heart and actually waters his fake tree with great hope in his heart.

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